There are some Comic Book Superheroes that are so clean cut, good and pure that it would make your teeth itch. Your Captain Americas, your Spidermans and of course the big blue boy scout, Superman. Then you have your darker heroes that do questionable things in the name of good, like Batman or Punisher, but then you have the others. So called Superheroes that are as far from heroes that they are slurping Magneto’s balls while giving Hitler a handy, okay maybe not that bad but you get the idea, here are 5 Comic Book Heroes who aren’t heroes at all.
Marvels answer to Aquaman and one of the biggest assholes in the marvel universe, he is an Atlantean/Human Mutant hybrid/Douche who has a penchant for flooding cities around the world just cause, frequently tries to kidnap Sue Storm (The Invisible Woman) and thinks it’s acceptable to walk around town in a tiny green speedo, Pervert!
(Did I mention he also hits women?)
4. Iron Man (Tony Stark)
Do not let Robert Downey Jr’s fantastic acting and awesome movies let you think Tony Stark is a good guy. He most certainly is not, for now let’s move past the whole weapons of mass destruction arms dealer thing and onto what Tony has done since becoming Iron Man. This cry baby started a civil war between superheroes, all because a mean lady said mean things to him (whah I wanna be loved by everyone cause I’m a wanker), he got people addicted to futuristic software and then charged for it, he created an insane murderous clone of Thor (Ragnarok) and he hunted down fellow superheroes with super villains.
3. Ant Man (Hank Pym)
With the ability to control ants, shrink down and become giant you wouldn’t think there would be much evil in a hero so wholesome, but hold on to your hats, Hank Pym is a few ants short of a colony. Aside from the awful costume he had in the 90’s, Hank Pym has committed crimes against people as well as fashion, chief among them spousal abuse. He got into a physical fight with wasp and when she shrank down to escape him, he sprayed her with bug spray, laughed and remarked “this must feel like napalm on your skin!”…..WHAT THE FUCK MARVEL!! Now, you could chime in and say that this was the ultimate universe, in which all the superheroes (bar Spidey) are fucked up, but he also slapped her in the regular continuity as well. Oh, and he also created Ultron and the evil Thor clone Ragnarok, but yeah, stand-up guy otherwise.
(This dude is messed up!)
2. Hulk (Bruce Banner)
Again, if you’re only familiar with his on screen persona you may think Hulk is a hero, but this big green bastard is not, he is fucked up. “But it’s not his fault, he doesn’t know any better”, well fuck your reasonable opinion reader who said that. Let me lay some knowledge on your nerdy ass. After destroying a city and killing 26 people because they ran out of fro-yo, Hulk was shot into space, (which he totally fucking deserved, are you kidding me? This isn’t even the first time he’s killed, and regular people get the death penalty after one! Fuck this walking St Patrick’s Day float!……..Sorry, got off topic) he comes back with an army, invades NY and after destroying the place he makes heroes fight in a gladiator pit for his amusement, all while perfectly coherent and logical I might add. Oh, and he also fathered incestuous children and ate wolverine.
(Wolverine get’s better though)
1. Cyclops (Scott Summers)
Last and most certainly least, Cyclops, the smug dick that wolverine should’ve decapitated long ago. I’ve heard people say that they don’t understand why Cyclops gets so much hate, that it’s just because he is unwaveringly good and just that people, don’t like him, you couldn’t be more wrong. Where to start? When his long-time girlfriend Jean Grey dies, he almost immediately starts dating Colleen Wing (as you do), but when Jean shows up again, he’s all “later bitch” to Colleen” and proposes to Jean. “Okay Gerard, so he’s a love rat, that doesn’t make him a bad superhero” no, that alone doesn’t, but there was that time he started a murder squad called X force “…okay that’s bad but…” or the time he tried to have his son Cable killed “…again awful but…” and let’s not forget when he kills Professor X, joins Magneto and starts a mutant uprising! “………..okay, Jesus. We get it, Cyclops is a dick”
(That’s right he’s a dick!)
Well that’s our list of 5 Comic Book Heroes who aren’t heroes at all, think we missed any or just disagree, let us know in the comments below and don’t forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel to watch our Let’s Play series.