Well you’ve heard Laura’s thoughts on Tetris 99 and how it’s a hidden gem of a game; we’ve had Jude discuss the many games he’s enjoyed throughout the year! And while that’s all well and good I think we can all agree there have been more than a few stinkers. And given that World War III will likely kick off any day now I think we’re all in need of catharsis, a good purge of ill will or to put it in gamer parlance “A nerd rage of epic proportions!” with that in mind here are some of the Worst Video Games of 2019.
Devil May Cry 5
I’ll kick things off with Devil May Cry 5 because I feel I’m in the minority on this one because I’ve seen it on a few peoples “Best of 2019” lists, which honestly baffles me! The plot’s a mess, incoherent and nonsensical (and not in a fun way), foregoing the classic story structure in the hopes of appearing deep and complex but only ends up making a complete bollocks of it. Then there’s the cringe worthy dialogue that was obviously written by a 14 year old named Kyle who lives on monster energy drinks and snorts Adderall. And the icing on this spunk flavoured cake is the character models, which look like sex dolls filled with polyfilla have come to life to steal the souls of sleeping children.(“Hello children!”)
It will shock no one to see Anthem on this list, I have a friend who still religiously plays this game and even he said “he gets it”. Only EA could fuck up in this particular way, “We have the Star Wars licence and the guys who made the critically and commercially successful Knights of the Old Republic…..let’s make them make a shooty bang game” says shit muncher. “Great idea!” responded dick head, “and” dick head adds “let’s also change our vision for the game regularly to keep them on their toes”. Given the ridiculous development history behind this game I am amazed it ran as well as it did on launch…and it still ran like shit. Buggy, unfinished and all round boring, EA should be ashamed of this mess of a game and even more ashamed that they forced Bioware to make it.(“Over here! I think I found some fun!”)
Any other fans of the Metal Gear games? Well don’t step this way cause you’ll hate this game, and to answer your question no, that’s not shit you’ve stepped in that’s “Left Alive”. When Konami decide to stop making video games and become a Captain Planet villain, we were the ones that suffered because it meant no more Metal Gear games.
“What about Metal Gear Sur….” “NO MORE METAL GEAR GAMES!”
But it meant that there was a niche to be filled and when the first images of Left Alive’s artwork (which were designed by Yoji Shinkawa) hit the internet it looked like that niche was about to be filled, in short, it wasn’t. It lacks the fun & flamboyant characters, the compelling narrative and enjoyable gameplay that the Metal Gear series is famous for. And while the stealth mechanics are present, they may as well not be, as (much like my bowels) they just don’t work.
I never played Crackdown 1 or 2, as when they launched I was a poor student with access to only a PS3, but look at me now! I have all the consoles, a video game website and too much free time on my hands. So you bet your ass when the time came I…completely ignored the first two and played the one with Terry Crews in it. And all I can say is if the first two were anything like this low effort shit then thank Christ I never played them! At best it’s just another paint by numbers open world game, filled with collectibles and enemy outposts that need fumigating. It looks like something that belongs on the Xbox 360 and handles like something from 2006!(A waste of Terry Crews!)
Kingdom Hearts 3
Well, well, well, we’ve saved the shitest for last, the crème de la crème of shit games. Who here is honestly surprised to see this on my shitest games of 2019 list? As a famous fan of the series, owner of all the games and a life sized key blade (no I’m not joking) I have never been so let down by a video game in my life. This game was so bad that it has left me mistrustful of Square Enix (a company I once absolutely adored) as a publisher and given how they’re carving up Final Fantasy 7 it’s a mistrust well founded, but more on that another time. Kingdom Hearts 3 was stupendously crap, an impenetrable story that required multiple consoles and mediums to hope to understand and characters so devoid of any charm they irritate more than they endear. And let’s not forget that they removed any trace of Final Fantasy from a game whose sole premise was Final Fantasy meets Disney. At the time the hack behind this trash fire said there were too many original characters with plots to fit any FF favourites, which we now know was bullshit, oh you best believe it’s paid DLC, £24.99 to be precise? Wait…WHAT…Oh fuck off!
Well, those were Gerard’s choices for Worst Video Games of 2019, can you think of any that should’ve made the list or just disagree? Let us know in the comments below, don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Facebook and subscribe to our YouTube channel and if you’re feeling generous feel free to donate to our Patreon, thanks for reading.